LITERAL Assassin's Creed: Origins Trailer ─ Tobuscus

Assassin's Creed: Origins - Literally.
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Lyrics:
There's Blood and Gore
Drug Reference
Intense Violence
Nudity
Sexual Content
Strong Language
and Use of Alcohol...
but no Stargate Ubisoft Sparkle.
How am I supposed to start these now?
The boat ride is over.
Get the one guy switched over
to his new ride on their shoulders.
Bad Guy feet should never touch the ground.
Captain shows the mace he'd
gladly use on peoples' faces.
Speaking of which - where's his?
Break the fourth wall
because he is important.
Cut to wider frame,
to show that in his presence
even the sun backs away.
A silky transition
To indoors, with the riches,
where the poorest have been convinced
to come out and lay their best gifts
on the floor - for their God.
Main Bad Guy one-half face reveal,
but the Masked Guy's face remains concealed.
Main Bad Guy's remains - Preserved.
Main Guy's status as "Main Guy" - Revoked.
Now all that remains are remains,
but they're in a cool box.
Really cool box.
Awesome.
That's a pre-time-lapse time-lapse.
*italics* Oh, THAT'S how they made those.
*italics* I thought it was giants or somethin'.
Reveal a giant Cleopatra.
*italics* Okkaay, now I'm confused.
Swat scorpion with your chess piece.
But if you take your hand off,
the move still counts.
And when your pieces turn to people,
you should be more careful with your pieces.
Knight looks at Rook: Checkmate.
This time-lapse took: One frame.
Bad guys' feet only touch the ground
when there's a new *italics* ostensibly */italics*
'Main Bad Guy' face reveal.
But the Masked Guy's face remains
to remain concealed.
Wouldn't even know he was a bad guy,
'cept his feet aren't on the ground.
*italics* AHH, shoulda WALKED.
*italics* AAH, I WAS walking. I WAS.
He was. He was.
But that rule doesn't apply to you.
Slow-mo arrow flies.
Denied.
Hooded Man needs a new hood.
Always recycle your arrows.
Everybody recycle arrows.
Dodge the sand and arrow
Double-shield-chop.
Weapon swap.
When your weapon drops,
better back it up.
Then bring the bow back,
deflect the pole attack.
Don't he know 'dat
he gettin' the pole back?
Captain swings the mace he's been waiting
for the chance to swing at a face.
For more missed connections,
maybe try Craigslist?
Always recycle your.... arrows.
Hooded Man removes his hood,
so he can tell if anyone
isn't quite dead enough.
And the Masked Guy's face
is no longer concealed.
Slitherin vs. Ravenclaw.
Assassin's Creed: Origins
is out now.

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